Saturday, December 10, 2011

Gone 'Pausal

"Shocked" by Suzanne Marie Leclair

Momma said there would be days like this...

...and so did my doctor.

I call it “going 'pausal”.

Last year while reviewing with me some of the symptoms of menopause, my doctor asked if I had experienced any sudden bouts of irritability. No, I really didn’t think so (insert husband smiling and rolling eyes here). But, recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that I indeed may suffer from this symptom, and so may all those within my sphere of influence.

It was an uneventful evening, like any other, sitting in front of the TV, zoning out after work, when a commercial came on that captured my attention. It wasn’t apparent what product was being advertised. Must be a new movie, I thought. The screen displayed images of strong women from eras long gone.

“It’s the cradle of life.” Is that supposed to be the mother of Moses, I wondered?

“It’s the center of Civilization.” Cleopatra. I was intrigued. The epic-sounding music crescendoed.

“Men have fought for it…” Two Japanese men leapt into the air, fending off one another with big sticks, a Japanese beauty waiting in the wings.

“…even died for it.” Two jousting medieval knights clash.

As the satisfied noblewoman smiles at her favored champion, we hear, “One might say it’s the most powerful thing on earth.”

The music then cues the audience that we have reached the climactic moment when the goal of this visual enticement will be unveiled.

The next scene shows a woman picking up a bottle of Summers Eve vaginal wash off the grocery shelf.

And, then we hear, “All hail the V.”

That was the moment I went 'pausal.

What?!! Are you kidding me?!! “The V?!!”

"Head of a Woman with a Hat" by Pablo Picasso

I snapped. I began yelling at the TV, spewing forth the full measure of my thoughts about the makers of this utterly unnecessary feminine hygiene product. I was so incensed; I grabbed my laptop and began to pound upon the keys churning out a scathing email to the makers of this ridiculous wash.

Women’s bodies are divinely made, with a perfect pH of their own and in no need of a scented vaginal wash! I realized this propaganda was targeted at young women, who might be self-conscious of their own body and natural scent because of such a product and commercial, and that infuriated me more.

Had Summer’s Eve ever even considered making a PENIS WASH?!! No, of course not!

A few minutes later, not feeling fully vindicated, I decided the topic was worthy of my Facebook page, and feverishly began to jab the tiny screen of my iPhone with one of my menopausal fingers, sharing my thoughts about this atrocity with my 300+ Facebook friends. I hit the SEND button.

As the screen returned from the little comment box to the page, I suddenly realized I was not on my Facebook page at all. I was on my church’s Young Single Adult Facebook Page. “CRAP!!” I yelled, as I frantically found and pressed the REMOVE button. Of course, a blunder such as this did go out by email to all subscribers of that page before I could correct my mistake. (Insert big sigh.)

"Blush" by Fei Liu

If only I had a robot like Will Robinson’s that would warn me of pending danger and stupid things I would do in life. Oh yes, if only I were lost in space. I guess “spacey” will just have to do for now.

"Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet." ~Robert Orben

All Hell to Summer's Eve, Y'all!